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April 8, 2005

"Memory Pictures"

Back in the early 80's, when I was training to become a licensed funeral director, the big buzz-word about the purpose of our jobs was to create "memory pictures" of our client's "loves ones." I was anything but a traditional funeral director who towed the party line. I felt that my job was to serve the families that I worked with by addressing *their* needs, not to get them to follow traditional Judeo-Christian death rituals. Of course if those rituals were important to them, then by all means, I was there to serve them in that capacity. But often times I bucked the system: I advocated that people should think outside of the box (no pun intended) and find a variety of fitting ways to remember their loved ones. Cremation was still largely considered disrespectful, but I didn't buy into that belief. HIV/AIDS "cases" were being turned away by other funeral homes who were too afraid of "Gay Cancer," while my business partner and I greeted these families with open arms. Even referrals to support networks such as Compassionate Friends (a parent bereavement group) was largely considered to be outside the scope of what funeral directors did, but I regularly encouraged bereaved parents to find a local chapter and meet other people who had suffered the death of a child.

I saw the importance of people having an opportunity to say their last goodbyes to a deceased loved one and thought that in many cases, the "memory picture" term probably accurately depicted a large part of what we did for many families who felt that seeing a loved one in a casket was an important part of the grieving process. When my own mother died last Spring, that was an important part of the process for me as well as something that honored her final wishes. But the pictures that we had displayed on boards at the funeral home were equally important -- they buffered the stark image of her laying there dead.

Today, "Lacey", "The Elder Statesman" who I wrote about in an earlier post, died. This was the last photo that I took of him and I am finding it particulary meaningful right now. He didn't look his best, the cancer was overpowering his shrinking body (a cancer that we didn't know he had until today), but he still looked like *him*. There was an observant quality to his eyes as he kept them on the dog -- his nemisis -- who was just outside of the field of view. He was in one of his favorite places on the back of the sofa, where he often slept for hours. . . . It is how I want to remember him. It is my "memory picture" -- the one that I would rather carry in my head over the final moments of his life.

As photographers, we not only create pictures, we create memory pictures. We create physical pictures that people can hold and look at over the years and often use to process traumatic mental images after a death -- and replace those with more comforting visual representations of their loved ones when they were alive and happy. What we do is important for the bereaved (even though we don't even know we are doing it for the bereaved at the time). It should never be underrated. Snapshots should never be underrated. They are often the most candid and lifefilled images that we and others create. We are in a sense acting as "funeral directors" when we document the living and offer those images as a source of comfort once someone has died. I have had several clients who have died, and the complimentary images that I gave the families where especially important to them -- they became incorporated into that family's "memory pictures."

Here are two of my last memories of Lacey -- the ones I am chosing to hold in my mind.

Posted by Lana at April 8, 2005 12:34 AM

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